Death

Continuing from yesterday's blog, I guess I must explain what I mean by living but not living as it sounded quite vague. And also, I think I need to get this 'death' thing out of my system. =P

Well, for myself, I found that I was living on the outside (achieving good greats, having friends and seeming enjoying life) but on the inside, I was dying. Literally. It got to the point where I think I might have been dead. So what do I mean by this. Well, I guess these are my demons haunting me. The constant reminder that life isn't
worth living for. Or, at least my life wasn't worth anything.

I remember a friend commented that the thought of suicide only happens during teenage years and that it is a norm, everybody thinks of it at least once in their life time. Well, not so simple my dear friend, not so simple. For some it is a demon in our lives that haunts us day and night. The constant thought of pulling the knife out or jumping off the building to just end it all. It is not as simple as saying 'no' though I must say I have never attempted suicide. It's just the thought of dying that is so debilitating. The thought which then changes into fear. Which would explain why, for so long, I was afraid of knives and of heights. Thinking, every time, when I stood on tall buildings or hold knives that I would either jump or slice myself up. The fear of the unknown - which I must say is really unjustifiable.

But yet it is these thoughts that lead a person to think that they will never amount to anything nor will they ever be loved or cherished. To think that everything that was experienced (sorrow and joy) by oneself will never ever be important enough for the people around them to care for them. The thought that 'if I end it all, no one would know, no one would care and no one would even bother, for my life isn't even nearly as important as the next.'

Then, it gets worse. Much much worse as these thoughts are being fed daily.

This will be continued in the next post =D