Christmas

This year, Idecided I wanted a quiet Christmas. And that's what I had. Lunch with my dear 'sister' and her bf and some other friends. And dinner at my parent's church.

Something unexpected though. Very pleasant and unexpected. I actually have Christmas presents. Knew that I would have one (Secret Santa) but more...never fathomed.

Thank you to all those who gave me a Chrissy Pressie. Love ya all...You made my day and emphasised how great the year has been for me.

Love ya all

O, and I'm sorry I don't have anything for my gud friends. A little broke this year. Will make up for it the next years or so k?

Love ya all and God bless ya. May His face shine on you

Family

So...the blog bout my beautiful and handsome cousins. Most people would regard family as...well...just family. For myself. Here's a little insight of what a normal family festive day would look like. Time at my grandparents house with 20-30 other cousins. Half of which are older than me, which means deep meaningful conversations and the other half of the cousins are in primary school or younger, so games, games and games. And for those of you who think that I'm 18, this would probably explain why =).

So festive seasons = Family time!!!

So family/ cousins = Best friends/ friends/ confidant/ adviser/ counselor and the list goes on and on. So cousins = immediate family as well.

Basically, to my dear cousins, you have helped form the person I am. Or rather the good side of me. One of the major life lessons that all my cousins have taught me is, to be generous regardless of how little or how much you have. Generous being not only financially but with time and effort.

Will share more of these life lessons learnt from cousins soon =).

Love ya all so much and miss you all. Come visit me. Love ya!!!! Muah!!! xoxoxo!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

A nice relaxed Christmas for me. For once. =D. And actually enjoyed time out from the hustle and bustle of life. Miss my beautiful cousins though. Will one day write a whole blog on lovely cousins when I have time. When you have 60+ first cousins you need time to think of what to write. =). Love them lots.

Kisses and hugs to all of you =D. And Merry Christmas to all and to all a happy new year!

Life lesson

One thing that I learnt this year is this. I have nothing, until I surrender everything to God. So, I surrender all.

It is so easy for us to surrender the things that are the hardest for us. Things we can't control, things we don't know how to do in the first place. But the hardest things to surrender, are the things that are so familiar, things that we know that we are good at, things we have done time and time again.

However, I've learnt that it is those things that we take comfort in and we know that we are the experts in that we have to...I repeat, we HAVE to surrender all. Not just parts, but all.

A tough life lesson, but one nonetheless and one that has to be learnt.

4th and final year

Results came out.

AND...

Yay!!4th year here I come!!!!

Relationship

I was reflecting on love again today. This time, I thought about how society viewed relationship and how all of us if not all of us are taught from young to have the need or want to be in a loving relationship with our soul mates.

Someone once said that "it is better to have loved and lost than not love at all." At least I think someone once said that. There are numerous quotes on love and relationships, that I believe everyone would be able to quote at least one. These quotes that we learn come from writers such as Shakespeare, Jane Austen and many others. But have you ever stopped to wonder as to what these quotes teach us? If you reflect on most quotes that you know concerning love and relationship, it would be one of partnership and soul mate.

Yet, I believe that if we were to be taught from young to read these quotes a little differently than what we do now, our view on life and family may change. Take the quote above for example. "It is better to have loved and lost than not to love at all." This could be viewed from another perspective. One of family and friends. It is true this quote concerning families and friends. I guess reflect upon your personal life. Isn't it better to have loved your family or best mates and lost them (through death or other circumstances) better than not receiving love and shared experiences that forces us to grow and mature who we are?

A great book once said to love your neighbour as yourself and if we did not, that our lives were like empty tins. It is also important to love your brothers and sisters as you would love yourself.

When then reflecting on this possibility that love quotes do not just refer to hoping one finds his or her soul mate but rather love in general, we can then shape our lives and views in the way that we live our life. For if we were to teach each other these principles of love and apply it, would there then be a possibility of less war and violence, less hatred and carrying of burdens. It is not to say the world would be one big hippie

As such, if we were to look at love quotes from now on as not just one that suggests a romantic relationship but rather one that points to relationships in general. I think the world would be a better place. =D

Think about it. =D

Gentlemen

To all those who know me, I think you kinda knew that this would be coming.

So what defines a gentleman in my vocabulary? It isn't one that just opens doors for girls or help them carry heavy items. I guess for me, it's more than that. It's who they are, their being. The way they live and act. I must admit that I am blessed to know many gentlemen. And you will be able to identify yourself as a gentleman as your sisters around you verbalize and appreciate that you are one.

So, I shall tell all of the wonderful time I had today with a gentleman. O, and readers must note that he is attached. Which is what I admire about this gentleman, in the fact that he treats all women (except his gf) equal in terms of his attitude (I am sure that he loves his beloved and treats her better than anyone else). He is as one that is described in the bible. One that loves and protects his sisters and is his sister's keepers. I must say this one thing, that it is not the fact that girls require guys to open the doors for them but rather the feeling of being respected and cared for in an attitude that comes natural to them.

As I have told some girls before. This is how I view life. I am a princess and my father is the king. I am waiting for my prince charming as God has ordained me to have one. However, it does not mean that he is perfect. If I see myself as a princess, I can confidently say to those around me, that they should be treated as princes and princesses. As such, how could I expect them to be treated by my prince any less than the way my prince treats me. As the bible says, for we are a royal priesthood. Love my friends and family, and I will love you.

=D

Faith

Was watching TV again (seems like I've been doing this quite often now). And was wondering again. As one of my nature does. Of religion in general and discrimination. Applying what was being wondered to not only mass media but the view on Christianity in general.

I shall start with a question. Have you ever thought of how when Islam or Buddhism are being criticized in media and in life, people of the religion call it discrimination. Yet when Christianity is mocked or made fun of, it is simply blown to one side and accepted as being socially accepted. E.g. saying 'Jesus Christ' when something bad happens or when someone yells at an unruly behaviour.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this. Why is it that as Christians we do not stand up for our faith? I myself am guilty of this charge as well. And that we accept of criticism thrown our way and not stand up and defend it. I know that there are many reasons of which could be applied to this as most Christians would jump and say "If a brother slaps one side of your cheek, let him slap the other". However, hear me out first before stoning me =)

So, what exactly is it that I'm trying to make sense of? How is it that we would stand up and defend our nation and country yet we won't stand up and defend our faith? Is our faith like potatoes? Remember, all these are questions of which I myself am reflecting on in terms of being able to apply Christian principles and not forming my own subjective opinions at the same time. No one's perfect.

Yet it boggles my mind that we do stand down and even shrivel up when our faith is being challenged and questioned. I know I am guilty of allowing this to happen to me one too many times and I guess, I am somewhat frustrated. So, do let me know your reflection upon this issue.

O, and another thing. It seems to be harder when it comes with family to talk about religion and faith. In fact, it is more of a hush-hush thing when this happens. Just an additional thought to add to the thought on faith. =)

Relationships

I was just thinking the other day. As one does. About relationships. And was watching Oprah at the same time. Thinking about how dogs are man's best friend. Then this lady actually said this "It is because he (the dog) loves me unconditionally. Now this made me think.

Hrm...good point...A dog does provide unconditional love. Cos he doesn't judge, doesn't disobey, doesn't question and the list goes on and on. Then I was thinking bout what it said in the bible. That man was created for relationships. Yup. Man was created for relationships. But let's explore this further. Not just for any relationship but for an unconditional loving relationship.

See, for years and years throughout the different ages and eras. Man searches for one thing. Relationship. And I don't think anyone reading this post would ever deny that fact that there is always that tug in their hearts for someone to love them unconditionally. That they search for this love and try to find it in anyway shape or form that they have been introduced to by those around them.

However, I must admit one thing. That no matter how much the ones around us love us and direct as best as they can, they will always be a time where they will disappoint us somehow. Letting us down, breaking our hearts. And it really doesn't help if the blind is leading the blind does it. And how would the blind know that he's following a blind person if that's the only thing he ever knows. Because, we are beings of habit that are molded by culture and beliefs that one generation passes on to another generation. So, in other words. How can one know the best way if one doesn't even know that there is a better way, a better option.

Think about this for awhile.

And so, this brings me back to the point. That as we are people of relationships, so are we the people that hunger for only one thing. And that is the love of God that is unending, everlasting, non-judgemental, forgiving... The list goes on but the bottom line is this. The ultimate unconditional love. And it is this love that I stand by. If ever there were any unlovable person, I stand by the fact that if my God loved the imperfect me, shouldn't I also love the one that I perceive as imperfect. For it is this relationship with my beloved that allowed me to live the life that was previously dead.

Then the next question is, how is it that this is so simple yet so profound. And so free yet not accepted. It boggles my mind that so many times I push away my beloved only to find that he loves me even more than I once thought. This, my dear brothers and sisters is unconditional love.

The ultimate relationship

Life

Ah...life seems so much better now that exams are over. But it'd probably be awhile before I can write succinctly about life and all its goodness. Today's probably been the best for the past half of this year. A morning of nothingness except GG. Chocolates for fundraising =). And please buy the chocolates. Half of the profits that I get will go to this centre in Shanghai for children with Cerebral Palsy. Then to uni to dump all the 'wonderful' books that I borrowed to study.

Life is good.

So, this lover. How great is he? Probably the best. Loved me before I was even lovable. Even before I could love myself and continued loving me despite everything else in life. Yup, today's a good day of which to enjoy this overwhelming love that soaks you and makes you go 'ahhh.....' (*smiles contently*)

Exams

Exams...hai..the word itself sucks!! =P can't wait for it to be over. Hate vivas! Everything hinges on 15 minutes of talking! Sucks!

Death

So what is the worse part?

The worse part I think, is when I close my eyes and all I think about is ending it all. When all that can be seen seems like jaggered knives in my mind. When "sleep" isn't even a word. And "rest" a foreign term. Especially if it's been a bad day or a bad week. When nothing seems to go right and when all I think about is the worse of everything. From sun rise to sun down. The heaviness of the brain that suffocates the mind from being able to think let alone process everything that has gone through during the day. When everything seems too much. And all I feel like doing is giving up. Life then doesn't really feel like it's worth much.

So, this has been my thought pattern for the past x years (no idea how long). Though I remember the first thought being in childhood years.

So what has allowed me to break free from it? Pure love. Hence why the name of my blog is Beloved. For it is love that has set me free. Free from the bondage that controls my thoughts, feelings and fear. And where did I get this love from of which I constantly crave and never have enough of. Of which only one can fulfill.

I think my friends and family knows this answer. Or I do hope they do. Because as it has allowed me to 'Live' it will allow you to live as well. Not to live because life just needs to be lived. But to live in the fullest capacity that you know you can. The life that can never be taken away. Never be stolen from you ever again.

Finally, I can breathe. Finally, I can think. Finally, I can live. Finally, I can love. After x number of years.

Next post I think should be named 'Life'. Do you agree?

Death

Continuing from yesterday's blog, I guess I must explain what I mean by living but not living as it sounded quite vague. And also, I think I need to get this 'death' thing out of my system. =P

Well, for myself, I found that I was living on the outside (achieving good greats, having friends and seeming enjoying life) but on the inside, I was dying. Literally. It got to the point where I think I might have been dead. So what do I mean by this. Well, I guess these are my demons haunting me. The constant reminder that life isn't
worth living for. Or, at least my life wasn't worth anything.

I remember a friend commented that the thought of suicide only happens during teenage years and that it is a norm, everybody thinks of it at least once in their life time. Well, not so simple my dear friend, not so simple. For some it is a demon in our lives that haunts us day and night. The constant thought of pulling the knife out or jumping off the building to just end it all. It is not as simple as saying 'no' though I must say I have never attempted suicide. It's just the thought of dying that is so debilitating. The thought which then changes into fear. Which would explain why, for so long, I was afraid of knives and of heights. Thinking, every time, when I stood on tall buildings or hold knives that I would either jump or slice myself up. The fear of the unknown - which I must say is really unjustifiable.

But yet it is these thoughts that lead a person to think that they will never amount to anything nor will they ever be loved or cherished. To think that everything that was experienced (sorrow and joy) by oneself will never ever be important enough for the people around them to care for them. The thought that 'if I end it all, no one would know, no one would care and no one would even bother, for my life isn't even nearly as important as the next.'

Then, it gets worse. Much much worse as these thoughts are being fed daily.

This will be continued in the next post =D

Death

Death is part of life - so says so many people around me. Yet it may not imply just the end of life but rather something else. This is what I think. Death is a part of life but it is not just the end of life but rather it can happen throughout 'life'.

Ok...now some people may be confused as to what I'm actually talking about. Let me enlighten you.

First, one may be able to live life without living. But rather living life as part of just being in life. So basically living but not living. This is probably something that some people have experienced in their lives, not implying that all people experienced life this way. This was how I experienced life or at least how I lived 'life' for a period of time.

Then I discovered this quote 'God gives life to the living'. I got this quote from a dream. Simple yet profound. Easily understood but yet confusing.

Unless one has experienced full life, one could never comprehend the fullness of life unless given the opportunity to or learning how to or being set free to do so. For me, it was all three. For those who read this and go, 'What in the world is she talking about?'. Which in itself is a very valid question because how can a person who is living be given life?

So, do think about it. Because for those who think more about death and life, one would realise they know someone who is 'dead' but not dead....

So, do think about it =D

Exams

hrmm...exams...

it's such a bore...n so wana get it over and done with. there's much better things in life than exams. n besides. how can our careers be based on one simple test that decide whether we pass or fail? Isn't it as well very much based on the subjectivity of what the examiners decide is right or wrong? Especially for our course...'there's no right answer' yet some of us manage to be able to fail. Someone please explain the logic in that. But i guess it is an examination of which would allow us to know how well we are doing. O well, better go study...

N to my BELOVED cousins n frens...will be posting something up soon-ish bout u guys =)....so do stay tuned ;)

MY FIRST EVER BLOG...hope i can keep it alive...lol